


Without It

by DarkCellar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), kylux - Fandom
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Crushes, Darth Vader - Freeform, Darth Vader's Helmet, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Funny, Gay, Gay Male Character, General Hux - Freeform, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylux - Freeform, Lieutenant Mitaka - Freeform, Love, M/M, Out of Character, Pretty Hux, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Same Sex Relationship, Secret Crush, Short & Sweet, Short Story, Soft Kylux, Some Humor, Star Wars - Freeform, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015) - Freeform, Star Wars-All Media Types - Freeform, The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12130005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkCellar/pseuds/DarkCellar
Summary: "If you love someone, tell them. For hearts are often broken by words left unspoken." --Amber HopeWhat starts off as a playful physical dance evolves into something new for General Hux. He realizes that he's in love with the man he thought he could never be anything more than a consequence-free roll in the hay to . . . but he isn't sure of how to tell him.Or IF he should tell him.





	Without It

"Hello, Red," said the voice. A figure emerged from the shadows of his bedroom, and Hux couldn't help the smile that sprang to his lips.

Kylo Ren.

General Hux and Kylo Ren weren't precisely what you'd call friends, but they weren't exactly enemies, either. They had an ongoing competition with each other to receive the most favor from their boss, Supreme Leader Snoke, but that was only natural.

If one singular term could be used to describe the relationship between them, it would likely be the Terran term, "friends with benefits".

The two had discovered, quite a while back, that each was attracted to the other in a highly sexualized way. Since that discovery, they regularly visited each other, several times a week, to engage in fulfilling their carnal desires.

And it was good.

Better than good; it was _great_.

With all the stress each faced in their daily lives, it was wonderful to have a way to detach from that stress. After all, nothing brightens up a day like an orgasm or two.

And, the best part of all: it was fully no-strings-attached.

What they did had no discernible bearing on their lives outside of their bedrooms. Their work relationship remained the same, their competitiveness wasn't compromised, and, perhaps best-best of all, nobody had a clue about their secret.

Yet, without warning, and seemingly out of no where, something had--changed.

For Hux, anyway.

It all began about two months back, at the end of one of their trysts. He was laying next to Ren, breathless and exhausted, and trying to gather up his strength to get up and leave. No matter how early or late they visited each other, they never actually spent the entire evening with each other. After they were done, whoever was visiting would gather up his clothes and go.

But on this particular night, Hux found, for the first time, that he didn't want to go.

He didn't want to engage Ren in sex again, he was too tired for that. Rather, he wanted to stay with him. Sleep next to him. Hold him. Kiss him.

He wanted to ask Ren if he could, but he knew what the answer would be. Instead he asked if he minded if Hux used the refresher, to which he merely replied "Go ahead."

Hux had taken his time, showering slowly, hoping beyond hope that when he came out, Kylo Ren would somehow intuit how badly Hux wanted to stay, and thereby ask him to do so.

But when Hux came out, Ren was already asleep.

The feeling grew stronger as the weeks went on. Hux would wrack his brain trying to think of ways to get Kylo to stay with him after, but Kylo was largely unreceptive to the idea.

The closest Hux had gotten was, one evening, after an especially active session, Kylo had ended up falling asleep. Rather than wake him, Hux had instead scooted closer to him and put one arm around him, holding him gently.

Hux fell asleep, but woke up a few hours later, in the early morning, _alone_.

It was an odd feeling, to Hux. To actually want something as plebian, as normal, as a -- relationship. 

But if Kylo was unwilling to give it to him, Hux knew he had to explore other options.

Opportunity presented itself when Kylo was sent away on a two month-long mission to another star system. As he was gone, Hux began a timid, but nice, relationship with one of his officers, Lieutenant Mitaka. The man was charming, good-looking, and, happily enough, he was interested in pursuing something with Hux that wasn't just purely sex. 

By the time Kylo returned from his mission, Hux and Mitaka had firmly established a connection with each other, and were known, to everybody, to be "dating".

THAT was lovely, too; everything being out in the open. One of the things Hux hated about his sexual relationship with Kylo was that everything was always a secret, always full of hiding and sneaking around. And the majority of the people around him heartily approved of his and Mitaka's union, feeling the two of them to be an excellent match.

Kylo, however, had only just gotten back last night, and had yet to receive the memo.

He had snuck into Hux's quarters while the latter was away at a meeting, to surprise him (and, of course, have sex). But he was held off by the wary General.

"Ren," he began slowly, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to tell you this, but, um, I'm in a relationship, now."

Kylo's eyes widened and he took a step backwards.

"Really? With who?"

"Lieutenant Mitaka. In fact he's due to come over in a while, so --"

"That's--that's good, Hux. Really good. I'm happy for you."

"So you understand, that we can't--"

"No, no, of course not."

Kylo was backing steadily towards the door.

"Well, um, I'll be going, then. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

Hux nodded. By now Kylo had gotten to the door, and was halfway into the hallway. Hux put his hand in his shoulder and squeezed lightly.

"See you."

\---

Mitaka was, without a doubt, one of the sweetest, most thoughtful men that Hux had ever known, much less been in a relationship with.

The skinny Lieutenant was always willing to listen to Hux talk about his day, and was very open with his thoughts and feelings. Which was a big switch from Kylo Ren.

When they hadn't been ravaging each other, it had been difficult for Hux to even get Kylo to talk about what he thought about the weather, on any given day.

There was one flaw on which Hux could negatively grade Mitaka, and the issue was such that Hux tried to deny it, because to acknowledge that it bothered him would be the same as admitting he was somewhat shallow.

The point was this: in the bedroom, Mitaka was no where near as skilled, or as versatile, as Kylo had been.

In fact, Mitaka could almost be thought of as being very old-fashioned, even prudish. But because this was the only thing Hux had a problem with, he refused to let it enter into his thoughts for more than brief spurts of time.

After all, he had someone to come home to.

Someone to hold his hand in front of other people.

Someone who made him feel just a little less alone.

But even as Hux focused on the good, the bad couldn't seem to let go of his mind. 

Because there was something else, something playing along the edges of his conscious that he didn't want to admit, wanted to deny it even harder than the sex issue.

Hux -- did not love Mitaka.

Mitaka was a loveable man with amazing qualities--but something just couldn't click for Hux.

He felt as though a steady gray web had been spun around his heart, keeping him feeling complacent, but not truly happy.

He could tell that Mitaka knew the way he felt, and that in turn made Hux feel very bad.

So he stuck it out, and tried to make it work.

"You learn to love someone", was what his father had always told him. His parents had had an arranged marriage, according to Arkanis tradition, and Hux had questioned the both of them, multiple times, on whether or not they truly loved each other.

_You **learn** to love someone._

Good advice, to be sure, and Hux tried his hardest to take it.

A very, very vague and muted part of him knew the reason that he couldn't give himself fully to Mitaka, and it had not a thing to do with Mitaka himself.

Rather, it had to do with Kylo Ren--

\-- and Hux's shameful inner struggle to let go of him.

Why did his heart still skip a beat, every time Kylo removed his mask and Hux glimpsed his face?

Why did he feel that nervous little flutter when he read through his itinerary and found that Kylo would be present at one of his meetings?

Hux found himself violently angry, at times, with himself and his mind's pathetic fixation on the dark knight.

The knight who made it quite clear that he did not want anything to do with Hux outside of his bedroom?

Why?

If Hux had been younger, maybe he could have gone on with the sexual escapades just a bit longer. But he was nearing his 40's, and he knew that he was approaching that time in his life where he needed to think about making permanent connections and having REAL, meaningful relationships.

And, no matter how much he might wish it otherwise, Kylo Ren was NOT the man who would give that to him. 

\---

Kylo sat at the edge of his bunk and stared at his grandfather's helmet.

Ever since he had acquired this long sought-after relic of Darth Vader, Kylo had found it the best sort of advice anyone had ever given him.

And he certainly needed it now. 

Lately, more and more, he fond that he had a certain redhead on his brain. Thinking of him. MISSING him.

He knew why Hux chose to leave, of course. It was the sane reason all of his 'relationships', if you could call them that, had ended: Kylo's refusal ((inability)) to take things beyond a sexual level.

And Hux, dear, sweet, romantic Hux, had wanted more. And had been trying to let Kylo KNOW that he wanted more, which Kylo pretended not to notice.

He remembered that time, months ago, when Hux had asked to use the refresher. Kylo had accented, and Hux had spent much longer than was normal in there for him. It COULD have been because their physical dalliances had gone much longer than usual, and Hux felt dirtier than usual, but Kylo knew it wasn't the reason.

He felt that Hux had wanted, quite badly, to stay with him.

And that terrified Kylo.

Sex was one thing, but real intimacy was something else entirely. 

He had never felt, in his life, that he could trust other people, with any aspect of himself. He knew that he was too broken, too damaged inside from years of torturous self-doubt and pain. Anybody that he let in couldn't possibly understand him, much less LOVE him.

So getting close to Hux had never been an option.

So when Hux came out of the shower, Kylo had rolled over on his side and feigned sleep, breathing evenly in and out until Hux, sighing, had left.

Still, it was dangerous, the way his feelings were teetering so close to the edge for the red headed man.

It made him angry, with himself, that he seemed unable to control his mind and his heart.

So, like anything else in his life that bothered him, he simply ran away from it.

He volunteered to go on a two month long mission, taking the assignment away from one of the Lieutenants. He felt that a little distance, and time, would be enough to clear his head from these undoubtedly false feelings of tender affection.

And he _thought_ it had worked.

He returned, and promptly snuck into Hux's quarters the next evening, to have sex with Hux. After all, it had been two long, lonely months, and Hux had probably missed their sessions as much as Kylo had.

But that was where Kylo was mistaken.

What Hux had said, firmly and quietly, was that, in Kylo's absence, Hux had begun a relationship with Lieutenant Mitaka.

And the revelation had rocked Kylo to the core.

In the weeks that followed, Kylo started to feel like he saw Hux and Mitaka EVERYWHERE. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, teasing each other, joking, and just generally showcasing their apparent love and happiness.

And it was driving Kylo right to the brink of madness.

He had never experienced romantic feelings in his life before he had met Hux, and by the time he could acknowledge to himself what they were, it was too late to do anything about it.

Not that he would have had the courage to do anything, anyway.

With a sigh, Kylo decided to ask his grandfather for advice.

"Grandpa, what's the matter with me?"

Silence at first; and then, the voice, speaking deeply in his brain.

There's nothing wrong, grandson.

"Then why do I feel like I'm dying?"

Do you really want to talk about feeling like you're dying, grandson? Try getting all four of your limbs cut off by your best friend, and being left to die in a boiling lava pit. THATS feeling like you're dying.

Kylo rolled his eyes.

"I know that, Grandfather. You've told me this a million times."

Don't you sass me, boy. Just because I'm dead doesn't mean --

"I'm sorry, Lord Vader. But please, I need your guidance."

Kylo, my boy, you're always saying that you're going to 'finish what I started'. But do you know what the one thing I started was, that I never got a chance to finish?

"What?"

A happy family. I let my anger and my stupidity ruin what was the best thing in my life. Padme was the most brilliant spark in my dark life, and like a fool I snuffed that flame before it could grow to its potential. Don't make my mistake, Kylo. Please. Go. After. Him.

"But he's with somebody else, Grandfather."

Now the voice in his mind boomed considerably louder, and Kylo put his hands to his ears, startled.

Do you HEAR yourself? You're whining just like your Uncle Luke! You are Lord Kylo Ren. You're a strong, confident leader of the Dark Side! No offspring of mine is going to just sit back and let something they want slip through their fingers! Reach out and TAKE what you want!

"But grandfather --"

Do you think Leia just sat back and let that nerfherder farher of yours run off with that woman from Coruscant? No! She shot that tart in both legs and had her bundled off to the outer rim before your father could so much as blink. I was so proud of my girl--

"Whoa, wait. When did THIS happen?"

Before you were conceived, grandson. But that's a story for another time. For now, just heed my advice, and go after him. Understood?

Kylo sighed and bowed his head reverently.

"Yes, Lord Vader."

\---

Hux got up and answered his door after the 6th insistent knock. It was after his office hours and he didn't particularly feel like dealing with anything else at the moment.

With a sigh he opened the door, expecting yet another stormtrooper coming to request something from him.

So he was surprised to find Kylo Ren standing there instead.

"Kylo. This is a surprise. Come in."

Kylo came in and sat down on the couch. He had a lot he needed to say, well, really only one thing; but he wasn't sure where or how to begin.

Before he could say anything, Hux was leaning close and looking at him critically.

"Holy astral fields, Kylo, you look awful. Are you sick?"

Kylo scowled.

"I'm not sick, just tired. I haven't been sleeping so well."

"I can see that. Is that why you're here? Do you need me to requisition you a new bed?" Hux pulled out his data pad to pull up the proper form.

"There's nothing wrong with my bed. Well, no, there is. It's very cold. Very--empty."

Hux put his pad down slowly and gave Kylo a hard stare.

"I'm afraid that's something I can't fix for you, Kylo Ren. Nor should you want me to."

"You should, actually, considering this is your fault to begin with."

"HOW?!"

"Maybe it WOULDN'T be cold and empty, if _somebody_ hadn't taken his companionship away from me without so much as a warning."

Hux felt very, very confused. It had stopped between them months ago, why was he bringing it up NOW?

What came out as a retort surprised even Hux.

"Maybe I wouldn't have, if you treated me like anything other than some easy concubine."

"You never complained about that before, Hux. I thought you were having fun, too. And all of a sudden you take away the one thing I looked forward to more than anything else, without so much as an apology."

"You don't say sorry to someone you're merely sleeping with. When you're done, you move on."

"Oh, you moved on, all right. And with Mitaka, of all people. That sniveling, pompous, pretentious womp-rat."

Hux's confusion grew. Kylo was acting incredibly strange. Almost as if he was -- 

Jealous?

"Do you mean the man who asked me about my day, talked to me, shared things with me? Who wanted me for more than a quick meaningless romp and a push out the door? THAT man?"

Kylo sat silently, unable to think of a response. Everything Hux was saying was true, and there was no defense he could make to any of it.

Finally, he mumbled,

"I could have given you all of that, too."

"Ah, but you didn't want that, my friend. And I can't be like that, like you. I can't be with somebody solely for physical means. I tried and it wasn't working for me."

"I'm not like that either, Hux. But do you know what the great thing about sex is? It can be completely, totally _without attachment_. Without _feeling_. You may not realize it, but attachment and feelings are the two things I'm afraid of most in this life."

"I didn't know that," Hux said, quietly. Saying that was the most Kylo had ever opened up to him, about anything.

"No, and you aren't meant to know those things about me."

Hux hesitated, then reached over and took both of Kylo's hands into his. Kylo was very surprised by the unexpected touch, but didn't move away.

"Let me get to know you, Kylo. Really, truly get to know you. Not just your body, but all of you. Good things. Bad things. Everything."

"What if you don't like what you find?", Kylo asked quietly.

Hux smiled, and then he did something else unexpected: he put his arms around Kylo. Kylo couldn't remember the last time he had been hugged by anybody, and the sweet closeness of it was almost more than he could handle.

"There's things about me that you probably won't like, either. Some things you'll downright hate. But love is about finding the good things, and focusing on _them_ , rather than the bad."

Now he held Kylo out and looked him in the eye.

"From what I DO know, so far, is that you're very smart, you're funny, you're talented, and an excellent commander. And, in case you haven't surmised this for yourself yet: I love you."

Kylo felt like his heart exploded in his chest. So many confusing, powerful emotions rocketed around his body that it was scaring him.

The strongest emotion of all was something that Kylo was very unfamiliar with, and didn't know how to process.

It was happiness.

Instead of saying all this to Hux, he merely took his face between his hands and bestowed a very sweet, soft kiss on his lips.

And then, another miracle.

"I love you, too," he heard himself say.

They hugged each other for a long time, each surprised to realize how close to tears they were.

Then Kylo ended the hug with a heavy sigh.

"Now for the hard part," he said, pulling out his lightsaber. He turned it on and Hux flinched back from the sudden growling brightness.

"What's that for?!"

"Isn't it obvious? You're mine now. MINE. That means I have to kill Mitaka."

"There's no need for that. I -- I ended it with him, last night."

"You did?", Kylo asked, switching off the saber (much to Hux's relief).

Hux nodded. "I did. I couldn't pretend anymore."

"You ended it with him, without even knowing if I would begin something with you?"

Hux nodded again. "I'd rather be alone, than live a lie."

Now he smirked and said, shyly,

"Besides, he probably would have ended it with me, anyway."

"Why?"

"He more than likely knew I was in love with you."

"How would be know that? Did you tell him that?"

"In my own way, yes."

"How so?"

"I've, uh, I MAY have called him your name. More than once. During, ah, intimate times."

Kylo started to laugh, and Hux scowled and hit him. "It's not funny, you jerk-ass."

Kylo stopped and shook his head. "It is too funny. Hilarious, actually."

Now they both laughed, and Kylo found himself being hugged, once again, by Hux. His arms felt so strong and so _right_ around him, that Kylo wasn't sure why he had been afraid of this.

When Hux pulled away, Kylo stood up and said, gruffly,

"I don't know about you, but all this emotional mess makes me hungry. Why don't we go to Mess? I think they're probably still serving dinner."

Hux smiled and nodded.

"Okay, let's go."

They headed out into the hallway, and Hux walked close to him, shoulder to shoulder.

Kylo glanced down at him, then took a deep breath and gently grabbed his hand. 

He laced their fingers together and squeezed.

They stayed joined all the way to the cafeteria.


End file.
